She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
