I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
