there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
In America we eat man semen.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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