I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
