I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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