God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
