So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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