i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
