do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
