Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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