I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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