She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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