tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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