I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
