Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize