Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
