I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
