***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
