I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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