I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
