So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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