Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
