At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
