hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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