I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
