420 ftw
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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