Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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