i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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