Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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