Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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