i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
