I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
