I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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