Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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