Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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