I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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