my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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