Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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