Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
