You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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