First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
