I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
