just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
