Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
