my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
