I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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