Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
