i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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