on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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