Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
