Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're too hungover to prance.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
