I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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