It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
