bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
