Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I can't turn off my feet"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
