the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
