I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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