I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize