so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
