Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
