Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
