i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
