She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
