I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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